Self-Help is Self-made.

The art of self-awareness.

I was 22 when I joined a “Social Skills Growth” seminars program. It was a decision I made after feeling an outsider. A weirdo without many friends, and with a job that was killing me softly.

There it was the first time I heard the term, NLP. Following by “social dynamics”, “pecking order”, neuroplasticity, and cognitive psychology.

“How can this knowledge change my life”, I wondered.

I started feverishly looking for self-help books and seminars. Looking how to improve my social skill, my emotional intelligence, and leadership skills. I got so hooked and I was feeling so proud of myself.

“I‘m going to be the master of life!”I was telling to myself. “Losers!” I was thinking about others. “I‘m better than you!”

Somehow these books have given me all the confidence I was missing these years. A confidence that was lost due to immigration, and not fitting in the society, who didn‘t like people like me. Being a girl, an immigrant, from a poor family, and lower class, was too much to bear.

“This can‘t be it”, I was thinking while I was losing myself into fantasy books. “There must be a better option in life”

Reading the proclaimed self-helped books, I felt so empowered. I felt so special that I knew things others didn‘t. I felt the elitist and a bunch of self-help authors who were yelling at me “YOU CAN DO IT”, supported that feeling.

Yet, I had successfully failed to launch my own business or become financially independent. “What went wrong?” “I‘ve read so many books, why I‘m not successful, yet” I was thinking.

My feelings of being an absolute failure led me to read more self-help books. The worst I felt, the more motivational videos, I was watching and the more books I was reading.

They were my “drug” to my bad feelings and self-doubt. Every time I finished a video or a book I felt great about myself. Every diary entry was like a page of life I wasn‘t living yet, and that was so exciting.

After all, that‘s how we become successful right? By reading books, attending seminars, and writing in our diaries of the things we want. Right?

WRONG!

8 years later, after lots of self-help books and seminars, I was unemployed. No friends or partner and a growing self-delusion.

Yet, somehow, those books had convinced me that I can do everything, and have anything I want. I was living in a fantasy where I thought I was the best human alive and everyone should listen to me. I became arrogant. I thought I knew everything (I‘ve read so many books, after all)

Unfortunately, that delusion of “knowing everything” had blocked my brain. I didn‘t listen to others, or ask for feedback and observe the world around me.

Every time someone would try to bring me back to reality, I was perceiving it as envy. “They don‘t know what they‘re talking about”, I was thinking.

That delusion back-fired on me when I decided to move to another city all by myself. I had started a series of online videos, and consultancy services. My plan was to become financially independent in six months.

SIX MONTHS! I thought I‘m going to thrive financially in six months, while others take years to reach. Of course, it didn‘t happen, and I had to keep my night-shift waitress job for longer than I thought.

It was a failure. I was not the person I thought I was, all the dreams I had, remained dreams. I faked it but didn‘t make it.

But one day I had my “Aha” moment.

How did these people found those answers that changed their lives and wrote a self-help book? Did they also read self-help books?

NO! They didn‘t! What they actually did was to listen to others. Observe, be aware of the things around them. Experience things, questioning their reality, and having “aha” moments that lead to results. They were their own personal coach. They shaped themselves through action. They didn‘t believe that they had all the answers, they question everything. Socrates said: “One thing I know, that I no nothing.”

What they did, was to change their behavior. To DO, not only to read. How did Dale Carnegie write his books? Obviously, he struggled with people and he tried to act on his problems. But he acted on his problems, he didn‘t only read about the solution.

I didn‘t need another self-help book. I needed to open my eyes and ears, I needed to open my mind and be aware of my surroundings. I need to act on my problems, act methodically and strategically.

I had the theory, but I lacked the techniques. I had the information, but not the experience. It‘s like reading the manual but never actually try to build that IKEA table.

After a long battle of letting my ego go, I also let go of trying to find answers in these books. I had first to find out why I needed those answers, and which were the actual questions I had. Books should be perceived as a map, but a map alone won‘t take you to the destination if you don‘t move your feet and walk.

So I decided that I needed to change my behavior. I realized I‘m totally capable to answer my own life questions and trust my gut-feeling. Learning equals behavior change. So I‘ve learned to listen, I accept the fact that I don‘t know everything and that‘s okay. Learning is a process, and it never stops.

I overcome the illusion of thinking I was the “unique” person who deserves to have everything. Accepting my averageness and be happy with who I am. Sometimes it‘s okay to be average. Being average doesn‘t mean that you‘re bad. It means that you are good enough and you are open to learning new things. Let someone teach you something you don‘t know, have an open mind. A master was a student once. You can‘t skip the student part, that‘s where your mastery comes from.

Being average we embrace the growth mindset as we accept that we are not perfect, and we would never be. Being average helps you be more realistic and act logically rather than emotionally.

Emotional estimation sees only validation, while logical estimation sees and seeks invalidation. The most successful people were not perfect people. They were your average news-paper boy, your average developer, your average salesperson. They had their mind open and saw opportunities that others, covered with pride, never saw.

Michelangelo didn‘t suddenly become THE Michelangelo by saying he was great. He just continues learning and allowed others to see his greatness.

You don‘t need books to tell you how to help yourself. YOU know how to help yourself. It‘s not the self-help that you need.

It‘s self-awareness and action.